by Wonsuh Song
In Seoul, I occasionally see a young couple standing face-to-face in front of a subway station, not saying a word to each other. This sort of scene was common in the past, and it remains largely unchanged today. Though it may look like a minor dispute on the surface, a closer look reveals a surprisingly tangled set of emotions.
People often pin a conflict between men and women on whoever is “at fault,” but the real issue tends to be more subtle. Men are frequently noted for having a T (Thinking) tendency, favoring rational and analytical thought, while women are known for an F (Feeling) inclination, emphasizing empathy and emotional understanding. Not everyone fits neatly into these categories, of course, but men generally think “everything’s fine once the situation is resolved,” whereas women lean toward “I feel hurt and upset right now.” When these two different approaches collide, even trivial matters can escalate quickly.
Imagine a man who goes out drinking and loses touch late at night. He might believe he’s being considerate by not waking his partner, who may be asleep. Yet from her perspective, worries—“could something bad have happened?”—and hurt feelings—“does he not care about me at all?”—start to pile up. If, on top of that, he greets her the next morning with a casual “What’s up?” and offers no explanation, conflict is almost guaranteed.
Some argue that simply stating, “I was actually upset,” is an effective way to resolve such situations. The challenge is that many people find that uncomfortable or even frightening. Hoping to avoid being dismissed for having trivial complaints, they bottle up their feelings, only to erupt later. Men become frustrated, wondering why I am wrong, while women feel misunderstood, asking how they can possibly explain themselves if their feelings go unrecognized.
Cultural differences also come into play. Between South Korea and Japan, for instance, the Japanese tendency to keep emotions bottled up can amplify conflicts. Koreans tend to express themselves more directly, while many Japanese store their frustrations and then release them all at once. It’s no surprise that Korean-Japanese couples sometimes say, “I can’t understand why you’re suddenly blowing up,” revealing how cultural gaps can fuel misunderstandings.
So what’s the remedy? There’s no perfect formula, but in the end, it’s about giving each other time and learning to communicate. Young couples who argue frequently might, in fact, be paying closer attention to each other’s moods and triggers. By clashing repeatedly, they slowly learn how the other person feels in certain situations. Over time, they can develop a mode of communication that works for both sides, reducing the chances of heated disputes.
Ultimately, the key is to pinpoint precisely why someone is angry and to acknowledge that this difference exists. Perhaps a man can set aside his “solve the problem first” mindset, and a woman can allow herself to speak up about even small grievances. The sight of couples standing silently in front of train stations has not changed much over time, but I hope there will come a day when they can smile and accept their differences in “temperature”.
Wonsuh Song (Ph.D.)
Lecturer at Shumei University / NKNGO Forum Representative
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